Trudging

when i was little, Dr Dad would only let us stay home from school if our glands were swollen. so yesterday when i was driving my son to school, i felt them and they are swollen, boy are they ever! so i thought, "yay! i'm really sick! that means i get . . . nothing. that means i get to do everything i normally do and feel sick doing it. never mind."

you know what, though? the day ended up having unexpected bright spots: my husband came home early; i had a new riding student who did really awesome; my baby was really happy "exploring" her crawling world. 

very few days have nothing difficult about them. carrying our daily cross, whatever it may be, makes us stronger only if we carry it with His grace.

Tired

Well, Mama, here we are, and what are you by going to do about it? It won't get any easier by ignoring it, so might as well gird up your loins and prepare to take action. Life's demands don't stop when we don't feel up to them, and they won't go away by ignoring them. Time to show yourself what you're really made of . . . and how much you need His grace.

Busy

ACK! School and dance and sports; extra commitments at Church; every spare moment filled with trying to keep up with the house, and then still make time to be with the people we are doing all these things for. That can be a hard one, n'est pas? But don't forget about the people: the mamas you see at school, the ones at co-op or art class or soccer, who are as busy as you, maybe even more, but maybe also lonely. "Find Five": to read a story to your preschooler, to call your out-of-state friend, to reach out to that woman you see, the one you always notice but never speak to. It's so easy to get so busy in our own lives that we forget about those around us. Take a moment to breathe, and to notice.

Sleep?

Aw, little Mama! It's so hard to be so tired! Doesn't help with all the emotional upheaval, either. Take a little time for yourself today: Pray. Meditate. Write. Sew. Knit. Clean. Do something that will help your sanity, your patience, your perspective. Be gentle with yourself, and with those around you. Remember to explain to them: It isn't your fault, little one! Mama's so tired today; please help me by being the best you can be, and I will, too.

Baby Steps

Take that one little step, Mama--no matter how tentative, how hesitating--towards what you know you need. In the quiet of your heart, you likely know what direction you need to go to find peace and healing. No matter how scary or overwhelming or silly it may seem, even if you don't know, yourself, exactly what you want the outcome to be, fix your gaze--not glance or passing look, or even the attention you'd give your screen, but with your whole soul--fix your gaze on that thing, in that direction, and reach towards it. You will not reach alone.

Mourning

I wanted this to be an almost-daily blog, somewhere I could post thoughts short enough to read quickly and, hopefully, meaningful to mamas of different walks. It has been almost a month since I posted. I have so few words for others these days: most of life is struggling to make it through each day. I am wearied of grief, and necessity of facing this loss has been overwhelming to me. This does not, at all, change the truth of what I have said, here or other places. Knowing these truths, having these truths, makes the loss bearable, but it does not remove the pain of loss, the fact that Sarah is in a different state of being. Truly, we are much worse off than she--it is always harder for the ones left behind.
So bear with me, please, as I seek to find God, and peace, in this time. Take with me the words of Julian of Norwich: "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well."

In the Midst

Life continues, and new routines form, but the heart still grieves. Allow your children to be part of your grieving without weighing them down with it. Grief can be anger, impatience, clinginess, or any number of things. Share with them your sadness, and, most of all, how to overcome it. Life still is beautiful. Smiles and laughter are good. Do not be afraid to find and feel joy.