Dark

Some days, when the nights are too short and interrupted; when the tantrums start with the sunrise; when there seem to be more needs than one woman can possibly meet; when your hair has spit up in it; when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and cringe; most of all, I think, when you feel so very alone . . . Don't Give Up. Don't Give Up, beautiful mama. All shall be well, truly! Look up and cry out. Probably Mary Poppins or Nanny MacPhee are not going to alight on your doorstep, but that extra bit of grace will help you find strength you didn't know you have. Breathe. One moment at a time, one tissue at a time, one tantrum at a time. All shall be well. All manner of things shall be well.

Higher

they can't be who they were made to be if we are trying to make them into who we think they should be. let go of your expectations, and rejoice in the person your child is trying to become.

Aching

Sometimes when you're a mama, or a friend or a wife or a person in a relationship, you have to "hurt" someone to take care of them: anything from removing a wart to confronting an addiction or taking out a splinter to taking another to task about a hurtful behavior. It's a horrible, horrible feeling, but at these moments we can stand firm in peace if it is done in love. So many, many times we "correct" others, or we "give the truth" or "tell it like it is" from a place of pride, or vindictiveness, or pettiness, or whatever. Remember, mama, to speak and act from love and humility, remembering we all stand in desperate need of mercy.

Lay Me Down

One of the hardest things I find about being a mother is the physicality of it: the tremendous bodily changes we experience. The postpartum physical drama: feeling like a leaky fountain, trying to be patient with a saggy, blubbery, slowly healing self. The intense physical contact needed by babies, and toddlers, and growing children wrestling with world- and self-discovery. Truly He says that the greatest love lays down its life, its self, its very body.

Be patient, I tell myself. These days of great physical sacrifice are short. Soon enough I will be alone, aching for the little bodies that now nestle against my breast, into my heart.

Onward, Upward

Some time ago, someone said they were "praying I would enjoy being a mother." Especially since this person doesn't know me well, it cut deep: Is that how I come across? Is that what people think of me?! Added to the drama of postpartum depression and an anxiety flare-up, those words have haunted me. Let's face it though, sweet mama: this vocation we live is NOT always enjoyable. And you know what? That's okay. Just don't let the dark moments, the hard moments, the endless-tantrum moments--don't let those take over. Because they are just moments, even if they seem interminable, and they will, in fact, pass. I know in the deepest parts of me that I will not remember the horrible times as much as the good ones, if I choose to hold the good close to my heart and let the bad pass under the bridge. All shall be well. You are loved.

Trudging

when i was little, Dr Dad would only let us stay home from school if our glands were swollen. so yesterday when i was driving my son to school, i felt them and they are swollen, boy are they ever! so i thought, "yay! i'm really sick! that means i get . . . nothing. that means i get to do everything i normally do and feel sick doing it. never mind."

you know what, though? the day ended up having unexpected bright spots: my husband came home early; i had a new riding student who did really awesome; my baby was really happy "exploring" her crawling world. 

very few days have nothing difficult about them. carrying our daily cross, whatever it may be, makes us stronger only if we carry it with His grace.

Tired

Well, Mama, here we are, and what are you by going to do about it? It won't get any easier by ignoring it, so might as well gird up your loins and prepare to take action. Life's demands don't stop when we don't feel up to them, and they won't go away by ignoring them. Time to show yourself what you're really made of . . . and how much you need His grace.

Busy

ACK! School and dance and sports; extra commitments at Church; every spare moment filled with trying to keep up with the house, and then still make time to be with the people we are doing all these things for. That can be a hard one, n'est pas? But don't forget about the people: the mamas you see at school, the ones at co-op or art class or soccer, who are as busy as you, maybe even more, but maybe also lonely. "Find Five": to read a story to your preschooler, to call your out-of-state friend, to reach out to that woman you see, the one you always notice but never speak to. It's so easy to get so busy in our own lives that we forget about those around us. Take a moment to breathe, and to notice.

Sleep?

Aw, little Mama! It's so hard to be so tired! Doesn't help with all the emotional upheaval, either. Take a little time for yourself today: Pray. Meditate. Write. Sew. Knit. Clean. Do something that will help your sanity, your patience, your perspective. Be gentle with yourself, and with those around you. Remember to explain to them: It isn't your fault, little one! Mama's so tired today; please help me by being the best you can be, and I will, too.

Baby Steps

Take that one little step, Mama--no matter how tentative, how hesitating--towards what you know you need. In the quiet of your heart, you likely know what direction you need to go to find peace and healing. No matter how scary or overwhelming or silly it may seem, even if you don't know, yourself, exactly what you want the outcome to be, fix your gaze--not glance or passing look, or even the attention you'd give your screen, but with your whole soul--fix your gaze on that thing, in that direction, and reach towards it. You will not reach alone.

Mourning

I wanted this to be an almost-daily blog, somewhere I could post thoughts short enough to read quickly and, hopefully, meaningful to mamas of different walks. It has been almost a month since I posted. I have so few words for others these days: most of life is struggling to make it through each day. I am wearied of grief, and necessity of facing this loss has been overwhelming to me. This does not, at all, change the truth of what I have said, here or other places. Knowing these truths, having these truths, makes the loss bearable, but it does not remove the pain of loss, the fact that Sarah is in a different state of being. Truly, we are much worse off than she--it is always harder for the ones left behind.
So bear with me, please, as I seek to find God, and peace, in this time. Take with me the words of Julian of Norwich: "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well."

In the Midst

Life continues, and new routines form, but the heart still grieves. Allow your children to be part of your grieving without weighing them down with it. Grief can be anger, impatience, clinginess, or any number of things. Share with them your sadness, and, most of all, how to overcome it. Life still is beautiful. Smiles and laughter are good. Do not be afraid to find and feel joy.

Grief

God did *not* "will" it, mama. If you want to say He "allowed" it (and "it" is something different for each of us), understand that He allowed it in the sense that He "allows" His world to function according to its natural tendencies and natural laws. He does not meddle, generally speaking, with the workings of the world. When He does, it is called a miracle, but it wouldn't be right, or just, or even good, if He were constantly sticking His fingers in to redirect the order of things. And they would cease to be miracles. It is sin, and sin only, which causes death and hurt and grief. I learned a long time ago that He does not ask anything of us that He has not already done, and done to an infinite degree.
So grieve, but do not rage; weep, but know--know in your head and heart and bowels--that He weeps with you, and, like you, longs for the day when all things will be made new. And trust Him, that in His providence and might, He will, indeed turn the greatest grief to something beautiful.

Tranquility

Rejoice in this day of rest! Rejoice, sweet Mama, that you, yes you, are the pearl of great price, for whom He sacrificed everything. Stop folding laundry, put down the clothes, let it go for today, and refresh yourself in His love. Renew your soul for the coming week--laundry, dusting, mopping, even tidying--there will be plenty of it in the days to come. On this one day, just one, take time for your soul, and take a moment to meet with your maker.

Happy

There are no avoiding days like this, and at times there will be a lot of them. What are you going to do about it, Mama? So many women take advantage of their power.
If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
Yes, we can use this as a threat: Better keep me happy, honey and kids, or I'll make your life hell.
But you are a better person than that. Strive to be magnanimous: literally, "big-souled." For you, this saying means, If I let everyone's bad attitude and my own frustrations make me into a cranky-pants, then no one will have a good day.
You're the adult. You are the woman. You are the mama. It's up to you, honey. But you're not on your own. Take a deep breath, and pray. Re-center your soul; find peace. With God, all things are possible, and that means today.

Worth

Sweet mama: that old friend, long-time acquaintance, who always knows just what to say to make you feel a little worse about yourself . . . Don't worry! It is not your fault. Nothing, I repeat nothing is wrong with you. You may not handle every situation perfectly, but that doesn't warrant snide comments or cutting criticism. But remember, dear, she is human, too, and not no one of us is perfect, try as we might. Keep your eyes focused on what you must believe about all else to be true: Your worth does not depend on human esteem. You are beautiful because you are you, and because you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Don't let the $&*()#@ grind you down.

Strength

You cannot do it alone. None of us can, and it is folly to try. There are times, though, when we allow even our staunchest supporters to diminish ourselves. You know--the friend who makes you feel clumsy, or spendthrift, or impatient, or dull; maybe even ugly. Here's the thing, dear one: you never know what your friends may envy you! It is silly to rate someone else's strengths as "better" than yours just because she has them and you do not. If you want to cultivate that virtue, then do so, but not to the expense of your own strengths and skills and identity. Be strong in who you are, knowing that only you are you, and you are wonderfully and beautifully made!

Shine

Hey there, Mama. It's happened before, I know, and it will always happen. Not everyone is going to be your biggest fan, not even people close to you. Siblings, In-laws, That Woman at Church or School or Co-op . . . and it won't hurt any less just because it happens one more time. You know what, though? You don't let that stop you. It is not your responsibility to win the approval of others. Be the best you can be, for your own sake, for your child, for God. Shine for Him, not for others around you! He made you to be HIS! to know and reflect His Beauty, Truth, Goodness and Love in a way that only you can. I know it's hard, but don't worry if others can't see it. He can! And you know who else does? You'd better believe it! Those little munchkins of yours see it, too. And it's the truth--you really are worth that much love!

Breathe

Trying to maintain a balance of prudence and indulgence during "special times" can be hard! It's fine to relax the rules sometimes--everyone will have a much better time, I think, if we can realize that when ideals meet reality there has to be some give. A complete dissolution of routine is not helpful for anyone, so try to keep focused on the important things, take a big breath, and relax.

the Grind

It's true, Mama. Some days there is no silver lining, no tricks or relief. You just gotta slog through it, in all of its ungloriousness. Take heart, though: we all are stronger than we think, or maybe even than we want to be. Take a deep breath; say a quick prayer. Turn some water on for these hot days--hot in all ways--bath, splash pool, sprinkler, heck, a watering can, or two paper cups on a porch, and grab a few moments of reprieve. It will get better, and all shall be well. And You Can Do It!!!